tears

I waited for you tonight, eagerly.  I made you something!  But it only rained silently.

./heartache

At least I'll fall asleep faster.  It'll make the pain go away.

If only I knew...

...it meant this much to you, I would have written more, and sooner.

Finals loom in the distance, but I'm strangely serene right now.  This paper here doesn't seem so bad anymore; I've straightened it up, dusted it off, and organized it in a way that I can guzzle it down in one gulp (I have but one gulp left, anyway).  A strategy!  After today is over, I will stand victorious in battle and convert this struggle into a thing of the past...only to move on to the next obstacle in this wargame.  Plentiful supply of office hours should help me beat the Hangman, and I will conquer this next psychotic examination like I did the last two - all in 4 days.  With any luck, I will have hours or even an extra day left over, to be devoted to a much-wanted successful networks project, and the other psychedelic example, which will be vanquished sometime on Monday.  I will need the next three days after that to usurp and encapsulate Artemenia and Etherealdawn in a 12-20 page report.  En garde, comrade!

And then after that, only a week left before I get to lose myself in your eyes.

♥SCRGL
Archer-mage
20469046

想你

We can make it...there is no way we can't make it if every day with you is like this...

i wish..

i wish..

i wish i could touch you
to feel soulsparks and pleasure
rise up within me like a wave
the feel of your skin brushing against mine
savoring the taste of your lips
i wish i could stroke your cheek
or your eyebrows as you sleep
singing to you songs of dawn and sunsets
i wish i could lie in the dark with you
skin tingling as we kiss each other
passionately
feeling your strong body holding mine
as you let out a sigh
i wish i could comb your hair
strands of stories of fair june
gazing into your eyes like stars in the daylight
not worrying about what to do next
just being with you
and silently smile
i wish..

Dreams

Dreams

If I were a grasshopper,
I'd stroke your ears by the light of night
and sing fields of marshmallows
while the ocean waved.
The rainbow platypus glides along the snow,
piping up in dreams, withleaves of sun washing over clouds.
Cherry trees dance under the stars,
winking and whispering while
the grey-white fox, knowing no bounds,
flies past the shadows of thunder.
But we don't notice, like a fantastical scene
rolling by from the windows of a train.
Unnoticed, because something much more ethereal,
and alive, and sparklier, holds our attention.
Love.
Even if it's just a dream, we know,
outside of its dominating realm,
it is real.

Florida sun: Day 2

So this is the whamming October conference that I had so excitedly been waiting for, that I had gladly toiled through 6 hours of lab and endured an early test just so I could make it to here. Sitting around a table enjoying a gourmet 4-course meal and applauding all the award recipients who graciously sweep the stage and offer us "20 words of advice." At some point of the evening, my mind wanders, and I thought I would much rather be doing... and then it occurred to me that this is not where I belonged.  I would much rather be home.

Home is being in LWC413 every Thursday night, leading worship team and singing praise songs while playing my guitar until my fingers hurt.  I look at my watch, and it is ironically 8:45pm, around the time when we start packing up to go back to our dorms.  I would much rather be there, praising God and being with my IV sisters, whom I love dearly.

Home is making memories with my love, wherever we may be, lying in his arms and looking into each other's eyes and being amazed by each other and the circumstances that brought us together.

Home is with my parents at my house, chatting after dinner, the 3 of us united as a Family once more.

These are the three most important things in my life, in no order.

Don't get me wrong. I think this conference is a wonderful thing for women, a great way to figure out what you might want to do for your career, especially if you are one of the few undergraduates amongst all the other Ph.D. candidates in the room (Not to mention I get to meet employees from my list of top companies to work for, namely Google, Microsoft, and others). But that's the problem. I already figured out I probably wouldn't want to be a PhD. I don't think I could find something that specific that I can be passionate about and devote 7-8 of my life working on. I realized recently that I want to dig into different areas of CS, to try this and that, work on a few projects, and continually be challenged, learn new things, explore, and discover new areas that I can be passionate about. Why limit myself like that? I am too bouncy for this. I need to be fulfilled emotionally, logically, spiritually, and creatively. And I don't think that going for a PhD can provide me that kind of contentment in life.

Another issue. I was at the Amazon booth, and after telling them I was looking for internships, the representative just started asking me questions about hash maps, queues, and (java) interfaces, questions that I couldn't answer confidently even though I had listed "Data Structures" as a course I had taken. Not only did that make me feel utterly cruddy, incapable, and foolish, but after putting me through that, she realized that I was actually more interested in usability than programming. It made me feel better after talking to Cat and realizing that she had gone through the same uncomfortable questioning session. It took a while for me to realize that I felt uncomfortable not just because I couldn't answer those questions, but because what she was looking for wasn't someone I could be; it wasn't something that I could be genuine with her about. I don't want to be a person who memorizes terms and can explain them to impress others just so that I can land an offer. It was uncomfortable because at the moment, I was forced to be someone that I am not.

Right now, my life plans are scattered before me like newly-shoveled snow. It would be nice if I could work for Google, Microsoft, Yahoo!, or one of these big technology companies on web/graphic design or something related. It would be nice if I could get to do some more programming for personal projects with no expectations except my own. The career part, I'm not so worried about; it will come with time. But there are some things that I must do, passions that will not be forgotten. I want to be able to continue writing songs and poems. I want to continue playing guitar and piano, and to sing. Ideally, I would have a chair like the one I'm sitting in right now, an office swively chair that will allow me to prop my feet up, lean back, and pour out my heart in writing. I want to be able to explore and go places that mean something to me, whether it's going on a hike, or visiting England or Mauritius again. I want to come home every night to someone I love and someone I can kiss good night.

So...what does it all amount to? I realize that I don't want to be famous, I don't want to win some prestigious prize for something that I've done. I don't want this kind of recognition. Maybe I've been inside for too long, but this kind of atmosphere just stifles me and deadens a part of me. And quite honestly, I don't care who this year's uber scholarship recipients are. Good for them, but I would rather not spend Thursday night listening to their names and their accomplishments when I could be defining (not to mention living) my own version of success. No, I do not need them to be my role models. I have never really been inspired by the grand things that others have done (maybe with the exception of Princess Diana when I was 9), only by my community, my loved ones, life, and faith. I want to do something where I can not only make a small difference in the world, but impact and build community around me.

So I am multi-faceted and need to be engaged in many different ways. So I don't feel like getting a PhD anymore. It's okay, it's okay that I'm here, missing out on home. It only brings me closer to it knowing that my heart is leading me to where I want to be, and my soul is slowly blooming into what I was made for.

Numb

It turns out wanting something doesn't make it real.

Laundry detergent

They say that smell is the strongest trigger of memories. The tanktop that I washed at your house now smells like you, I discovered to my surprise as I got up to exercise this morning. I couldn't help it.

Electronic parade music floats through my white Brookstone headphones, reminiscent of all the feelings from this weekend: Amazement. Surprise. Love. Like my whole world is perfect and still, contained in a bubble of wonderdream, except it's very much real.

Grateful as MD lets me work on the computer today instead of filing. I get to unleash Wildstorm again, and feel.

My senses are flooded with you.

You are deserving of all the poems and songs in this world, of all the stars in the sky, all the white roses, and morning dew.

I wonder how much Babylon candle I would need to get to you.

So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Frou Frou - Let Go

Serenity

Serenity

She dreams of maws and whispers
and fields of blueberry grass.
The day was gone at sundown,
but moonglow lights her path.

She sees him smiling at her,
eyes twinkling like the ocean.
Sheets of white before her,
speak logic and emotion.

Fog and misted vision
reveal clouds eating berries.
They pass by time and circuits,
and moments when she's wary.

The sky melts into her hands,
no longer caged outside.
A story told in riddles
gives her space to hide.

A rainstorm in the fall
is where she want to be.
But 'til she meets serenity,
She'll sit by binary trees.

Les feuilles qui tombent

J'ai oublié le goût de tes lèvres. Çela me rend vraiment triste.

Tu me manques beaucoup.

Contentment

What is contentment?
Maybe it's staying overtime for work, color-correcting 100 slides in Photoshop in less than an hour and a half.
A fruitful meeting with your major advisor who offers an inspirational idea for your thesis next year.
Leaving said meeting with 20 minutes left over and realizing that you have time to stop by the campus center to buy some dinner.
California sushi rolls.
Walking across the grass barefoot until you reach damp soil, then squishing the ground like a sponge and feeling your feet get slightly muddy.
Getting to work half an hour early and being able to go on shift anyway.

Or maybe it was seeing you this morning, in perfect rhapsody.

Or...hmm. Maybe it's just Friday :)

Wildstorm on paper

Sunday, 8/26/07
First day of Summit
11:45pm

Everyone else has gone to sleep except I. I, the lone inspired writer, equipped with her mighty lime green sword and a shield of pure white wood. But in reality, it's just a pen and notebook, part of a secret arsenal that I unleash at late, magically soul-inspired times such as this.

Today, I venture yet again to the serene land of Toah Nipi. It is time for me to go on my first quest of Summit. Me and my first 3 initial companions, Diana, Charlene, and Tammy, quickly defeat the bulging bags that prevent us from shutting the bicycle-laden trunk, which allowed us to proceed on our 1.5-hour journey to Rindge, NH. We were among the first few to arrive, but I found out later that that does not always give one the element of surprise. The others were due at 5pm, so to pass the time, I surveyed our surroundings, testing the effectiveness of the numerous frisbees laying in the grass, and playing songs for the trickle of people who walked to and fro from Bethel, also for the sleeping Tammy in the next lounge.

After checking out our lodgings, I was greeted in the lounge by a flurry of familiar faces. i saw Anna first, followed by Kate, Joanne, and Louren. I let my guard down and squealed and hugged 3 of them, not having seen them since last semester and Louren since last fall, seeing how she had been adventuring in Aix-en-Provence in France. We went to the main building to register for our quest, and Tammy, Louren, and I went upstairs to the main meeting room to be recruited for the worship team, led by Yale University. Even though they already had 2 super guitarists, they were gracious enough to offer this newbie a position as well, and we practised for over an hour until dinner had started. I was mostly in the background, guitar unamplified, but I didn't mind since it allowed me to be led as I learned how to lead my own fellow Christians.

We were fed by way of cookout out by the beach on the pond. I sat with my comladies and we dined merrily into the sunset over the woods by the lake. However, I should not have left my guard down, as at that moment I was visually attacked by a small bug that had decided to lodge itself in my eye. Louren, who was sitting across from me, immediately jumped to my rescue after the others' failed attempts, which resulted in futile eye-rolling and poking. Louren extracted the parasite by using a napkin swiped across my eyeball. Needless to say, it was quite irritating.

After a gorgeous (literally) dinner, our practice was put into play for 15 schools around New England, about 150 students. Mission accomplished seamlessly.

At night, after the first talk, we broke off into our campus groups and had a nice activity and discussion about what we would do during our free time in 2-hr, 48-hr, and 1-week intervals. It was 10:30 by the time we were done, and by then I was long anxious to call my darling to wish him a good night, but realized that he might have already gone to bed. And Limestar [Duskstar's successor] had decided to shut down due to lack of juice. As I recharged it, I listened to my sweet's voice calling out to me, and smiled. I had realized that it was okay if I was out of touch with him for a while, that I didn't have to be in touch with him constantly to feel good about us. It's okay. And that made all the difference. We trust and love each other deeply.

Tammy, Kate, Louren and I decided to scavenge for snacks at Hebron, the main lodge. Armed with apple, orange, and three Nilla wafers, I bum-squashed grass with my comladies and chatted about how God had been with us this summer. There was something magical about the night; the sky was as clear as it had ever been, and while the stars glittered brightly, I could almost feel my love holding me in his arms and lying on the grass telling me stories of faraway lands that lay just beyond the shadows, of romantic quests involving dragns and cinnamon hunting. Time whizzed by and whispered in my ear, and before I knew it, I was out in the lounge, hair dripsoaking into my black P♥M shirt, and making use of my soultools to document my journey. Diana drops by to check up on her students, and converses with me about my newfound love and my spirituality, a conversation to be finished tomorrow which left me feeling content, more in love, and ever-eager to continue my Summit journey quest.

12:55am Epilogue

Lying in the dark, I coaxed Limestar to replay the message, and upon hearing his sweet voice, settled contently into my cushiony sleeping bag.

Hmm, I wonder ;)

What Kind of Guy Will You Fall For?
	You would fall for the geek. If you're looking for love, consider spending a little more time studying up in the library. To you, there's nothing more attractive than intelligence, shyness, and kindness; your future love may have four eyes and zero social skills, but he'll make up for it in brains and heart.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

You know you have it all.

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Alanis Morisette - Head Over Feet

What's new this year?

My last night at home. I'm sitting alone at the breakfast table, being ponderative, lonely, and yearnful. Surprisingly, packing only takes me an hour, which I did with velocity right after lunch and now I'm pretty much all set to go. I did all sorts of thinking and reflecting today, mostly due to the worship team book I'm reading, and also after getting a new cell phone. It's been frustrating. It was so freeing to sit on the couch and not be tied to the computer, but then at some point, I do get back to it, then it becomes problematic because...

I decided that the rest was better saved as a private entry on my computer, instead. Some things are better sorted out alone, but you know that if you asked, I would tell you. I'd tell you anything...

Seeing you (A Pseudo Poem in 30 mins)

How can I describe seeing you every time?
I can't quite describe it. It is many things at once.
Like the first bite of a freshly-picked strawberry in the summer,
the first hint of pink, yellow, orange, and red in the fall,
the first snowflake flurry on your nose in the winter,
the first sign of cherry blossoms in the spring,
proof that time is always bringing me a day closer to you.
A fresh brownie, peppermint stick ice cream, a breathtaking sunset.
A first kiss, a soulspark.
Christmas morning.

Everyday with you is like an adventure, near and far.
Whether separated by 2 inches, or 660 miles,
whether I haven't seen you for 5 minutes, or 3 weeks,
when I see your face, it's as if I haven't seen you in years,
and the sun seems to shine brighter,
the sky is even bluer,
and another poem is born.

Don't let me fade away...

I'm tired. It's been a long night, and all the excitement and bounciness from the day have burned out into black soot. No more rolling down the windows right after driving off the highway, playing Archie loudly. No more amazing sunlight in a clearing in the clouds. No more inspiration and satisfaction in getting a job done well. Wildstorm is my only resort now, the only one who will listen to my pixelwords. Tu es trop occupé. Je suis seule, un peu triste, mais tu n'es pas à faute...Je suis intoxiqué de toi, toute amoureuse de toi, et maintenant je ne sais pas quoi faire. I hate feeling this way. Powerless and melted, tortured all evening. Je veux que tu me laisses seule...mais...je ne peux pas résister...tu le sais. Tu me manques beaucoup... Flood of thoughts and emotions. My soul is dried out , like a contact lens left forgotten on the ground. Useless. I can't create, can't sing, can't smile. I wish I didn't need you, but sometimes it feels this way, and this is one of those times. Too bad it has to happen now, quand tu as beaucoup à faire et je deviens quelque chose au bas de ta liste. Or so it feels that way. I long for times when it wasn't so, when you told me tu es première dans ma vie. Pardonnes-moi... Je sais que tu peux traduire ce que j'écris... But it's more beautiful et triste if you leave it that way, no? A part of me doesn't want you to see me this way, to know that I am capable of plunging into gray, and another part wants to reach out to you right now, but is afraid... que tu ne sois pas là encore...C'est unutile!

Je suis fatiguée. Je ne sais pas si je veux t'attendre...Je le veux bien, mais c'est pas juste comme ça, est-ce?...

Stir fry and changes

Lying on my bed, I lean deeper into the pillow against my back, and flip my hair behind my shoulder, thinking over today's happenings. I had a tiny epiphany this morning, if such a thing were even possible. Looking outside at the wonderfully clear sky, I thought of the conference I had been ruminating about for the past month, the one coming in October that will supposedly expand my network, broaden my horizons, blahblahblah that sort of thing. It dawned on me that I wasn't indecisive about it. I was scared. No wonder I was unsure about being...unsure. Scared to grow, to take on more responsibilities, scared of the real world looming so close in the distance (yet still so far away). I was too comfortable in my academic bubble; it was easy doing all that I was supposed to...tests, papers, projects, it was all expected. When suddenly a conference comes whamming in the middle of the semester (just like that...if you can imagine throwing a conference into October and cracking the dates...well, at least I can...), it really can throw off that delicate balance I once thought was strong and secure. I admit, I am afraid to grow up. I am being pampered in college. The thought of having to decide between now and the future scares the crap out of me. It is no longer about missing that test, or lab, or lecture (make that 3 lectures and who knows how many homework assignments), and all about accepting the future today, right now, when I am not yet ready for it. Because I have been bubblified.

Being honest with myself now eases the fear, and actually fuels my conviction that maybe I should go after all. If I can be strong and mature enough to take on a whamming October conference, then there is no reason why (gasp! god forbid!) I can't also manage my time well, do my work ahead of time, and catch up painlessly afterwards. After all, there is a time and place for everything, right? Armed with determination and fiery eyes, I know I can do anything. ./fieryeyeglare See?

After that morning wake, I spent a good ten minutes trying to figure out how to prop up that ginormous deck umbrella so that 1). it wouldn't snap on my head unsuspectingly, making me look like a complete idiot (assuming that someone actually sees it happen), and 2). I could evade being shishkabobed under direct sunlight. After some fumbling, untangling, and climb-on-chair-ing, I set it up, and proceeded to drag Mickey out to do some serenading. It was wonderful, and my bare feet were especially happy roasting gently on the warm deck. A friendly cicada drops by to listen.

In the late afternoon, my best friend Sundy calls, asks me to accompany her while she does her errands, and to come over her house for dinner. I happily obliged, and we plotted the dinner, which turned out to be amazing vegetarian stir-fry (which we cooked ourselves, thankyouverymuch) with a touch of pineapple. Everything tastes better with pineapple. Verily, I tell you. ./nod While taking a break from watching The Fountain to consume some ice cream, I hopped off to the bathroom for just a few wee minutes, only to return and find that she has decided that I apparently wanted to eat 3 scoops of ice cream, which I mopefully stuffed down, morose about consuming more refined sugar than wanted. She retorts with her excuse for eating only 2 spoonfuls of it, which was that she had a bigger dinner, and besides, as a guest, I should be properly fed.

And now, I find myself satisfyingly full still, and thinking about the changes in today's journal entry. Maybe it's because my hair is growing longer by the week. Maybe it's the morning mini-ephiphany, or the sheer enjoyment and adventure that I am beginning to find in cooking. Maybe it's the fact that I will be away from my awesome Toshiba laptop, Dawn, for most of the weekend due to a short, quick, NY conference, or just a small burst of unfounded inspiration from somewhere deep within my soul. Or just the fact that I have been creating, nonstop, for the past three-weeks, probably the most charged and creatively-productive three-weeks of my life (and also the most magical, when you were still here). Writing excessively, drawing inspirationally, reading fantastically, making musically, creating geekily, watching foreignly, and above all, being completely headoverheels in love with the most amazing guy in the world, both sweetly adorable and sexily intelligent. .marshmallows Or maybe it's all of the above. Whatever it is, it's good. While I am still the hopeless romantic, still the sillypants, this is yet another facet of me, one that surfaces occasionally, when I am wholly inspired, most creative, most free.

Hello. ./waves ^_^v

I could get used to change like this.

Simple pleasures

Today has been quite wonderful. I keep finding reasons to be happy, like discovering favorite candy bars in your Halloween or Easter basket, one right after the other. Waking up at 7am, calling you groggily and going downstairs to surprise my mom like you suggested, then going back to sleep. Dreaming about being with you again. 19mph SSW winds that rustled the treeleaves in the backyard, making them dance and whisper secrets and murmur excitedly. Peeling one side of a banana, forgetting about it because I was getting stuff out of the fridge, and then biting it. Sillypants! Discovering frozen strawberries in the freezer, covered with a thin layer of frost, just waiting, tantalizingly, to be eaten, and popping one in my mouth, savoring their cold freshness. Reading a vivid, delicious line in a good book: A warm wind stroked Tristran's face: it smelled like peppermint, and blackcurrant leaves, and red, ripe plums... Reviving my love for French en écoutant et en lisant l'actualité sur le web. 练习中文。 Innocently sexy phone conversation. Making a treat out of a square 100% wheat bagel half, strawberry jam, and 3 slices of folded honey-roasted cured turkey breast. Eating lowfat turkey pepperoni slices like chips. Finding out that, even though I can't roll my r's using the tip of my tongue (yet), I can, in fact, do a dry gurgle/gargle and the back of my tongue will vibrate. The shy rumble of the clouds before dinner...I get my rainstorm after all...I walk onto the deck and inhale the scent of summerrain...Then it pours, dashes of white rain, thunder, the breeze wafting through the screen, smelling of grass and wetness, filling my lungs and spirit...then the sky cleared up and sunlight streamed down into the yard, illuminating the trees in a bright green veil. Being just the right amount of hungry to scarf everything down with relish during dinner. Goodnight call from you. The promise of tomorrow, the weekend, Monday, and beyond.

Look! What time it is... You would bow your head and make a wish. I remember once, after watching Scrubs, you looked lovingly into my eyes. A couple of minutes passed, and you closed your eyes and made a wish, and I was so amazed that you somehow knew it was the right time. Even after you told me that you had actually counted exactly two minutes from when you first gazed at me, at 11:09, I was even more in awe. And in love. You make it easy to be sweet to you... ./swoon

./wish

Emo

If I could describe today in one word, it would be sour. I don't know what went wrong. It seemed as if all of a sudden I had everything to worry about, being attacked from all sides with debilitating soulbites. It wasn't too bad that they scheduled the wrong eye doctor for me. That could wait. Maybe it was the fact that I was unsurprisingly outbid while trying to buy textbooks on ebay, leaving me with the only option of paying lowered but still-exhorbitant prices. Maybe it was being unsure about attending that conference, knowing the toll it would take financially and academically. Don't even get me started on the increasing tuition at school. Or maybe it's because I regret being too nice, especially yesterday and last Friday, only to have my privacy grossly violated and my time sorely wasted. You make me sick... Or the everyday list of shoulds lectured to me by Daddy. Nothing but notgoodenoughs and youshoulds and anything else he finds under par that day. Responsibilities and expectations. To what avail? Or! Mom's occasional failed joke. Light talk, I should call it. What happened? Did you get into a fight like you always used to do with him? But you still loved him anyway, right? Why does it always have to be so negative? That's not even funny. Don't even talk about him... But I can't blame you, mother dearest. You have no idea how I feel, and it's my fault. I don't open up nearly enough. If only you wouldn't smother me so much, or judge me emptily...I wish... And do I even need to be reminded about my figure? Sure, workout's paying off loads, but it doesn't help in moments such as this.

I wish it would rain right now. A rainstorm, complete with thunder and lightning, one that would wash me clean and make me forget all this. I miss you...

I can't listen to our playlist, it won't help. Maybe a little Cascada...? I need a miracle, I wanna be your girl. Give me a chance to see, that you are made for me. I need a miracle, please let me be your girl. One day you'll see, it can happen to me... You are my miracle...

No, what I need right now is my Savior, my Light. My Strength. I need to break free of these inhibitions and breathe.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
    Philippians 4:6-9

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
    2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18

Duskstar diverts me from my silent prayer. Your lovely aura shakes me so, and I completely lose it, tears streaming down my cheeks, all the disappointments from today washed away. Are you okay? Yeah, I'll be fine ^_^ My prayers are answered. The soulbites are gone.

Dreams and cookies

8:15am Duskstar rings me awake ./sleepyheartleap Good morning...mmm... I mumbled. We converse for a while, talking about dreams and clothes (or lack thereof). It was like taking a drink from a freshwater stream after having gone thirsty for 24 hours. ./hangup ./happysquirm ./rollover Sunlight hits me square in the face. Happy. ./bedhug.

./dreamimmerse. I woke up with a jolt at 10:43am after successfully evading a dream that was about to take a nasty turn. I get up groggily, ate banana and eggs for breakfast, and proceeded to make the final batch of cookies from the cookiedough that you so lovingly♥ made and left for me before you left. The phone rings, an interruption that I regret answering to, left with feelings of anger and resentment... I thought of you and tears rolled down my cheeks, and at that moment, it began to rain outside. I'm sorry... It was beautiful, and put me at peace. As I baked the cookies, the heavenly scent wafted through the kitchen, completely reminiscent of your presence in this marshmallow house. Duskstar sings again, and all is well. Cookies are very lightly singed at the edges, but still taste like you made them. ./thoughtfulmunch.

Mirrorlight is on after dinner. Dad asks humorously if I had decided to put his silly picture in there. Mom pipes up immediately. 你想错了！她为什么会把你的照片放在那儿？We all laugh good-heartedly, knowing that Mirrorlight is a place for us.

At night, I sink my teeth in a juicy New Jerseyan peach and worked out. If it all goes well tomorrow, I will see the world with green eyes. You know it's all because of you...

I remember...

The Quiet World
    Jeffrey McDaniel

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup. I am
adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long
distance lover and proudly say
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond, I know
she's used up all her words
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

Blue

Lazy Sunday morning. I pull out of the driveway to go to work and was greeted with the most immaculate blue sky I have ever seen. Sparsely-scattered wafts of snowwhite cottoncandy clouds hung as if a happy child had decided to play with his treat, grabbed handfuls of spun sugar, and tossed them around. Archie serenades me as I merge onto the highway. Two more years and you'll be done with school and I'll be making history like I do... I can see the horizon where sky meets land, and felt as if I were driving, 78mph, towards somewhere you would be. The striking blue sky resembled amazingly like your eyes. Oooh, pretty eye fibers! :D I would say. A little bit darker, but maybe that's just because of my shades. I wondered for a moment if God had thought of the sky as He colored your eyes, knowing that one day, I would look into them, fall in love, and remain captivated. If it were up to me, I would have created the sky based on the color of your eyes, so that even though you are 661...no! 660! miles away, I would only need to glance up and be embraced by you. Last time I checked, it was six-hundred and sixty-two. Maybe the world is shrinking for us. Or Google's blue line is trying a little bit harder. Or maybe they just built a new road. Tears gently sting my eyes, and for a short while I can see perfectly. A green bus passes by 2 lanes to my right, and it took me a split second to realize that it is actually a rebel schoolbus. I silently applause its bravitude.

At the culminating point of my research this summer, I had discovered that bluegreen was the most peaceful and calm color pair, not knowing exactly quite why. Today has shown me the answer. The blue backdrop beyond the green trees was proof that nature was in harmony, that we were all alive and well, that things will be okay no matter what. There are some things in life that will never change, and those are the things that settle our hearts in moments such as now. How can one worry at all on such a perfect day?

It has now been exactly a week since I last saw you. Happy 二月 Anniversary, darling.

Habits

As I get out of the shower just now and think about what I could write for today, it dawned on me that I had been writing everyday, and wondered what it would feel like to break the cycle. I pull the green tank top over my head like I do every night. A strand of hair is caught in the lace. It is yours, like fine gold thread. Smiling, I gently pull it out. It curls around my hand.

What have been some of my habits of late? The tip of my fingers on my left hand are starting to peel from playing Mickey constantly, so that even more in love with me you'd fall when I serenade you. Chinese words swim in my head, graceful and swanlike. Applenana, with an occasional strange mango or some other relative. Dawn occupying the bulk of my day; Mist...not so much anymore. ./Trillianbeep ./heartleap Sweatdance and crunchburn. Duskstar's constant company. Firefox's colortabs. ./write I miss you... Occasional mopitude. Just to name a few. (The taking over of Pixar starts next week.)

Your absence has become my fuel. While I still yearn, the presence of your aura seeps through the cracks in my habits and make them whole again. You have colorized my world(wideweb), inspired creation, glorified healthercize, humorized Duskstar, and wikified my brain.

I pick at the skin on my fingertips. Tomorrow is yet another day closer to you, eagerly awaiting to be explored.

After all, some habits are better broken :)

VisualDNA

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Csikos Post

He calls me, wasted.

I'm a fucking mess right now. You know that bottle of sake I was saving for our wedding? I drank the whole fucking thing. I figured, there's not gonna be a wedding. Fuck...I love you so much...Oh shit, I've been such a jerk to you, you deserve so much better. I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy...I don't deserve you...I fucking love you...you're fucking great, you know? I wanna be with you and shit, but, you know, I can't...urgh...You know, I'm fucking jealous of your boyfriend. I'm doing well in school now, but you don't trust me...Until I get over you, this can't...I hope that we get back together, I really do, but it's clear that it's not gonna happen, you know?...You're fucking great, you know that? And you deserve better than me...Eh, you probably don't give a fuck, but I care about you...I care about you a whole lot...Hey...Just be careful, don't let any guys fuck with you, okay? That's the truth, all men just want to fuck. Hey...In case I die tomorrow, you're the one I love the most, okay?...You probably don't care if I die, huh? I hope I don't die...Well, if I die I'll just go to a better place...

I keep silent, not knowing what to say. Hey I'm gonna go, okay? I'm in the middle of something...Bye. ./hangup

I go back to Mickey, practicing for you.

Lyrics and parcels

Speechless over all that has happened today. A mix of wrath and yearnlike aura. Of secrets, shoulds, and sadness. I miss you, above all. Only you can unchaoticize me. Hey...you say my name sweetly...I love you...Bye, sweety. Afterwards, I always feel as if I just had a conversation with you in a field, cloudless sky, greenest grass you can imagine, but uncountable miles apart from each other, our whispers carried back and forth by a soft breeze. ./closeeyes ./imagine That's where I go when I can't see you, can't touch or feel you, can't kiss you...

Miniroar makes me realize just how much I've forgotten already. The crinkles around your eyes as you flash your captivating smile. How your hair falls over your handsome face, highlighting your strong jawline. The way you laugh at me, in all my sillypantness. Your sweet, soft, lips that I long to kiss again. I took it all for granted. They say that when you're talking to someone and you mirror their sitting/standing position, you relate to each other more...My eyes tear up as yours do, reminding us both of the physical and artificial divide between us. ./screentouch

Reese's commercial on TV reminds me of your leftover peanutbutter milkchocolate cup. ./nibble Still good :) ./nibble

A braid on my rose-ring broke today. I pushed it back into place. As good as new. You can barely see the tiny tear that fractures its perfection. It's better that way. Slightly tarnished and crooked around the band, but who can tell when it's worn on the finger? Tainted beauty.

I look over to my side. Receipt:

============================================

OBERLIN OH 44074 $1.64

Zone-4 First-Class

Parcel

3.70 oz.

============================================

Happy. ^_^ I find myself singing along to "Be A Man" from Mulan, dramatically. Music is my analgesic.

So many lyrics say what I want to say, what I feel. I picked the most moment-fitting.

...I don't quite know
How to say, how I feel
Those three words
l say too much
But not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

...
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see...

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

I love you...

Rain

It does rain tonight after all. Quiet and unseen, hidden in incomprehensible sorrows, under the glow of the lamp. It tastes a bit salty. Mickey only lasts until Daddy's angry whispers drown it out. What are you thinking? It's too late to be playing! Mother's asleep. Go to the basement if you want... But he couldn't possibly understand how I feel. And he wonders why I push him away sometimes. I want to be left alone... ./hushedplay

./quietponder

./Trillianbeep ./heartleap :D ...I really miss you and would love to be able to go to sleep with you here... I miss you too, darling...more than you can imagine. T_T But I'll be strong for you. I'll smile for you, see? ^_^ even though I can't see anything through the tears, but right now I can only see you in my mind anyway...

It's been almost an hour since you went to bed. My shelter: the movement of my fingers, creating strings of pixelated words that echo my soul and color my colorless world, an eavestrough diverting the rainwater into the ground, nourishing the garden, our garden... keeps me going until tomorrow.

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
yeah, it's a different day,
tomorrow
...
And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...
Tomorrow... it may change

Avril Lavigne - Tomorrow

Kisses and Trillian

Inspiration. You inspire me. To write, to learn, to be. To smile. I couldn't stop smiling during dinner, thinking about videochats and phonecalls. Why are you looking at me? Stop looking at me! It's nothing, really...XD A flurry of shapes around the dinner table. Your aura! ./swoon ./highhopes But too soon, it was just me again, with just the yellow kitchen light hanging above me, quiet and forlorn. The digital second hand flicks away. It doesn't tick, it can't, it's not real, merely pixelflash, yet it brings me closer to you. Like Trillian. A veil, a wall, a barrier. ./screentouch I long for you...to hold and cherish you... ./closeeyes Today, it did not rain.

Duskstar lies happy and full today, but yet never quite satisfied, nor content for that matter. I love you. ./heartjump ./silence Duskstar blinks off. The refridgerator hums.

I remember talking to you about kisses. I wonder...what it would feel like...to kiss you... ./sunlightbliss First times are always short and sweet. Tender, gentle, no soulspark. But it plants a seed within us, one that can grow into a garden if we choose it. And we did. It grew and blossomed like never before. My soul answers your call like it has no other. Rainstorm tames the wildfire. How does one describe such ecstasy, such completeness, desire, magic? Soulspark.

./Trillianbeep Could it be...? ./heartleap :) Sigh... ./screentouch You tell me of your wondrous adventures-to-be. ./twingeache as I realize that I am not there to share it with you. I wish I could be lost in the wilderness with you...then you could catch grasshoppers for me and I could sing to you under the stars... I love you.

Mickey offers me some comfort as my fingers strum away...

24 hours...

...since I last saw you. Bittersweet. Maybe just a tad bit too formal. It was my best summer, too. ./kiss Goodbye...Don't, you'll ruin it...I try to smile ./glancebackwards You're still there...Can you see me? ./posterwave ./turn, flash. You're gone...

I fidgeted with Duskstar, trying to hide the tears. I miss you already...Maybe...if I look again...you'll come back... The doors welcomed me out into the heat and ocean breeze.

8:54pm My heart jumped at the sound of your voice. Slight concern. How are you? Happiness as you see Z. Enthusiastic and friendly. Happiness...I let you go...

1:05am Cool breeze as I try to sleep, with Duskstar right beside me, hoping, just maybe... ./turnover ./dreamimmerse

9:36am Sunlight. White clouds, but I can't see the sky. Duskstar lies silently.

Mmm, fruits. You would reach for those first, but after you finished the 包子. I turn on Mirrorlight. Smiling images. Ticklelaugh. Sunlit adoration. Soft music playing. 30% comfort, 70% nostalgia. Last night I had a dream. I knew it was a dream. I tried to fly...but my wings were gone. I can't describe this. I've never felt like this before. It seems like someone tried to wipe out my memory and failed, leaving me with ghost images of you. I can still feel you. Your bed is untouched. The clutter is still there downstairs. I whisper your name. ./teardrop

Was this how you felt? Was this how she felt? Hopelessly hopeful...waiting...anticipating...wishing...

5:14pm Garage door opens. ./backcrack Mother makes me laugh a little. ./teardrop I'm sorry, I can't help it. I promised you...Just today, and then tomorrow, I'll be back on my feet ^_^...My strength falters, but maybe just for today. Maybe tomorrow...

[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
    1 Corinthians 13:7

Rainstorm.Wildfire.

文克林，我爱你。我非常想你。。。希望我还在跟你在一起。我天天会等你的。。。两个月。。。

The Sunset

The Sunset
dedicated to .marshmallows

The sunlight was perfect, you said
washing over my face at just the right angle
Then you kissed me like you meant it
And I know that you meant it

Just a couple of minutes, you said
turned 28 magical hours filled with butterflies,
75% happiness, 75% sadness
100% perfect

You make me happy, you said
and when it was 1:11pm,
you closed your eyes
and made a wish

I wish I could lie forever with you
lost in a sea of green grass and playful clouds during the day
and at night, serenaded by quiet fireflies,
melting into your warm embrace

I will remember forever
kissing your sweet strawberry lips
sharing cinnamon yogurt-covered raisins
gazing into those blue eyes that tamed my fiery spirit

Songs fill the evening air
and I sing to you softly,
waiting patiently and faithfully
for the sun to rise again.