Spontaneous

Technically, I'm at work right now. It's near 70 F, gorgeous day, and I should be outside, listening to the Paprika soundtrack and just zoning off. Even better, lying on the grass with you.

I'm ahead of schedule today, and excited about my class schedule next semester. It turns out that ST is taking a sabbatical next semester, which means she won't be offering Child and Adolescent Pathology. My only other choices are Shyness with JC or Non-Verbal Communication with RA again. Shyness is Thursday mornings, and N-VC is Wednesday nights. Seeing how I did decently well in my Personality class with JC, and also because it's earlier on Thursdays, I have concluded that it's the best option. Given that, I have Tuesdays, Wednesdays (except 9:50am Chinese class) and Fridays completely off! How exciting :D

Tay Zonday has an awesome voice.

*looks around confusedly because the folder she was working on has automatially started making .jpg duplicates of the .tifs o.O*

And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
and nothing less, cuz you know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the mornin and the tears are pouring
And I want make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time
Baby if we’re gonna do it come we do it right

Gwen Stefani - 4 in the morning

Small

My eyes are smaller this morning, not because I willed them to be, but you can't help what crying to sleep does to you.  I wish I didn't have to.  I wish a lot of things, but it doesn't make anything better.  I almost feel envious of these other girls here who are happily waiting 39, 51, 112 days to see their other halves.  Still feeling chaotic from last night, thoughts gnawing and trying to push their way out.  I won't hold up for long, but I won't break down, either.  Writing is my only release, but it shouldn't have to be.

But in the end, what leaves you broken
In the end, makes you better, yeah

Plumb - Better

Silent

I want to say it so badly, it's practically already out there.  But no, I won't say it, just wait and see what happens.

Update

I'm sitting in the campus center stirring my too-sweet passionfruit bubble tea, in hopes that the ice will melt faster and dilute my afternoon treat.  I haven't written in a while, and I didn't want to leave the tone of the last post hanging for too long.  Much has happened since then, but I can assure you that I am still in love, more than ever.  Oh, and I joined Twitter (chloester).

Today's just one of those days that are characteristic of a lazy afternoon - cloudless, sunny sky, green grass popping up in random patches, not feeling like you want to do anything, listening to great music on your MP3 player...  I attempted to be productive by locking myself in the Media Lab, intent on reading 30 pages in my S&P textbook after starting on the next Maya project.  Nope.  All I succeeded in doing was fill out a class evaluation form and look tirelessly for instant satisfaction to my sudden urge to play Katamari, which started last night after a small burp of inspiration.

I realized that I felt strangely repressed in some vague way, a feeling which only intensified as I walked to the campus center.  The last few days, I've had some more free time than usual to browse the web and discover new things, and to create.  Sure enough, I got into RSS feeds and subscribed to some of the geekiest things ever.  It made me feel connected to the outside world, away from this Bubble; promises of growth and innovation.  Of course, the taste of freedom and independence was alluring enough for me to put off my work, which, naturally, leads me to become introspective when I am not distracted by shiny Web 2.0 logos.  I felt a sudden urge to write, as if that would liberate my parched soul and give me wings.  Big, green, glittery, translucent, strong wings.  Feeling pretty good so far.  I realized that I would much rather create and learn than operate on deadlines.  I knew it all along, but auto-mode prevented me from minding too much.  I've been able to dream about multiple projects I'd like to do, things I'd like to create, playing the guitar loudly and freely, and writing profusely, but I haven't been able to release myself to do them.  I can't wait until the summer, when extraneous academic binds will no longer hold their grip on me.  My self-worth will no longer be constrained to grades or memorized information, and the whole world will be mine to drink.

I long to be free, or to be set free.  I have to say that aside from my faith, there's only one other person who's been remarkably close to providing me that kind of complete liberation; I can only hope that he is the one.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of freedom.  I am sure that until then, I will continue striving towards anything and everything that makes me feel alive.

The bubble tea tastes much better now.

Numb

It doesn't feel like I'm part of your life right now. You might as well not be here at all...it feels the same way, so what difference does it really make?

Ugh, why do I feel so chaotic right now?  Why does it never feel like you'd be someone who could find me in the darkness?  I want to be found, all the time...but you give up too easily when I push you away.  It's almost like I'm just another person in your life...you don't act like you need me at all; all you have are your sweet words and busy work.  Maybe you really don't, and are just attached to romantic ideals, or maybe I try too hard, and give too much, making it easy to take me for granted.

I'm sorry for making this so hard.  Maybe I just need to let it out.

::rain::