Update

I'm sitting in the campus center stirring my too-sweet passionfruit bubble tea, in hopes that the ice will melt faster and dilute my afternoon treat.  I haven't written in a while, and I didn't want to leave the tone of the last post hanging for too long.  Much has happened since then, but I can assure you that I am still in love, more than ever.  Oh, and I joined Twitter (chloester).

Today's just one of those days that are characteristic of a lazy afternoon - cloudless, sunny sky, green grass popping up in random patches, not feeling like you want to do anything, listening to great music on your MP3 player...  I attempted to be productive by locking myself in the Media Lab, intent on reading 30 pages in my S&P textbook after starting on the next Maya project.  Nope.  All I succeeded in doing was fill out a class evaluation form and look tirelessly for instant satisfaction to my sudden urge to play Katamari, which started last night after a small burp of inspiration.

I realized that I felt strangely repressed in some vague way, a feeling which only intensified as I walked to the campus center.  The last few days, I've had some more free time than usual to browse the web and discover new things, and to create.  Sure enough, I got into RSS feeds and subscribed to some of the geekiest things ever.  It made me feel connected to the outside world, away from this Bubble; promises of growth and innovation.  Of course, the taste of freedom and independence was alluring enough for me to put off my work, which, naturally, leads me to become introspective when I am not distracted by shiny Web 2.0 logos.  I felt a sudden urge to write, as if that would liberate my parched soul and give me wings.  Big, green, glittery, translucent, strong wings.  Feeling pretty good so far.  I realized that I would much rather create and learn than operate on deadlines.  I knew it all along, but auto-mode prevented me from minding too much.  I've been able to dream about multiple projects I'd like to do, things I'd like to create, playing the guitar loudly and freely, and writing profusely, but I haven't been able to release myself to do them.  I can't wait until the summer, when extraneous academic binds will no longer hold their grip on me.  My self-worth will no longer be constrained to grades or memorized information, and the whole world will be mine to drink.

I long to be free, or to be set free.  I have to say that aside from my faith, there's only one other person who's been remarkably close to providing me that kind of complete liberation; I can only hope that he is the one.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of freedom.  I am sure that until then, I will continue striving towards anything and everything that makes me feel alive.

The bubble tea tastes much better now.