Update

I'm sitting in the campus center stirring my too-sweet passionfruit bubble tea, in hopes that the ice will melt faster and dilute my afternoon treat.  I haven't written in a while, and I didn't want to leave the tone of the last post hanging for too long.  Much has happened since then, but I can assure you that I am still in love, more than ever.  Oh, and I joined Twitter (chloester).

Today's just one of those days that are characteristic of a lazy afternoon - cloudless, sunny sky, green grass popping up in random patches, not feeling like you want to do anything, listening to great music on your MP3 player...  I attempted to be productive by locking myself in the Media Lab, intent on reading 30 pages in my S&P textbook after starting on the next Maya project.  Nope.  All I succeeded in doing was fill out a class evaluation form and look tirelessly for instant satisfaction to my sudden urge to play Katamari, which started last night after a small burp of inspiration.

I realized that I felt strangely repressed in some vague way, a feeling which only intensified as I walked to the campus center.  The last few days, I've had some more free time than usual to browse the web and discover new things, and to create.  Sure enough, I got into RSS feeds and subscribed to some of the geekiest things ever.  It made me feel connected to the outside world, away from this Bubble; promises of growth and innovation.  Of course, the taste of freedom and independence was alluring enough for me to put off my work, which, naturally, leads me to become introspective when I am not distracted by shiny Web 2.0 logos.  I felt a sudden urge to write, as if that would liberate my parched soul and give me wings.  Big, green, glittery, translucent, strong wings.  Feeling pretty good so far.  I realized that I would much rather create and learn than operate on deadlines.  I knew it all along, but auto-mode prevented me from minding too much.  I've been able to dream about multiple projects I'd like to do, things I'd like to create, playing the guitar loudly and freely, and writing profusely, but I haven't been able to release myself to do them.  I can't wait until the summer, when extraneous academic binds will no longer hold their grip on me.  My self-worth will no longer be constrained to grades or memorized information, and the whole world will be mine to drink.

I long to be free, or to be set free.  I have to say that aside from my faith, there's only one other person who's been remarkably close to providing me that kind of complete liberation; I can only hope that he is the one.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of freedom.  I am sure that until then, I will continue striving towards anything and everything that makes me feel alive.

The bubble tea tastes much better now.

Numb

It doesn't feel like I'm part of your life right now. You might as well not be here at all...it feels the same way, so what difference does it really make?

Ugh, why do I feel so chaotic right now?  Why does it never feel like you'd be someone who could find me in the darkness?  I want to be found, all the time...but you give up too easily when I push you away.  It's almost like I'm just another person in your life...you don't act like you need me at all; all you have are your sweet words and busy work.  Maybe you really don't, and are just attached to romantic ideals, or maybe I try too hard, and give too much, making it easy to take me for granted.

I'm sorry for making this so hard.  Maybe I just need to let it out.

::rain::

Minismile

Once upon a clear day, the Girl woke up early in the morning, just like she had since last Sunday. She started off her day by nibbling on a piece of Fruit, running on The Elliptical while reading her Chinese Lessons, then ate more Fruits and Eggs for breakfast. The Sun shone in her hair that day, and she felt especially radiant. This was an Ordinary Girl, except, she was in Love with a Boy. Not just any boy. The Boy. He had saved her from alligators the summer before, bravely swinging on vines to pluck her out of murky waters, then gently laying her down on dry ground. The Two had looked at each other, panting from the excitement, when something in their Eyes sparked Love and Beauty. Since then, they have been Together, adventuring the distant lands of the Orient, having meals in the Wilderness (where The Boy cooked up a delicious meal from fresh wild quail and red wildberries), and spending Dreams in each others' Arms. They did all of this without speaking, as speech was forbidden in their world. To compensate, the Girl would show her Soul to the Boy through her dark Eyes, and it was usually so that if you could see someone's Soul in their Eyes, it meant they Loved you Deeply. This was how they showed each other their Love.

There were times when the Boy had to leave to go on Missions to free speech from the Law. It was an important thing, a Beautiful Thing, one that will bring them Closer in the end. It sometimes made the Girl very Sad, because she could not see or touch the Boy, but because he Loved her, he would send whispers through the Clouds, which was the only way to communicate with her. As long as the Clouds whispered to her every day, she would know that the Boy was thinking of her and that he Loved her, and he made sure he did this whenever he could. On this Ordinary day, the Ordinary Girl minismiled up to the sky and the Sun smiled back. There were no Clouds in the sky, but the Sun promised some later. The Girl happily munched on some banana bread, feeling full of Love. She eagerly awaits the day when the Boy, her 100% Perfect Other, will return to her, the day when she can finally say, "I Love You."

tears

I waited for you tonight, eagerly.  I made you something!  But it only rained silently.

./heartache

At least I'll fall asleep faster.  It'll make the pain go away.

If only I knew...

...it meant this much to you, I would have written more, and sooner.

Finals loom in the distance, but I'm strangely serene right now.  This paper here doesn't seem so bad anymore; I've straightened it up, dusted it off, and organized it in a way that I can guzzle it down in one gulp (I have but one gulp left, anyway).  A strategy!  After today is over, I will stand victorious in battle and convert this struggle into a thing of the past...only to move on to the next obstacle in this wargame.  Plentiful supply of office hours should help me beat the Hangman, and I will conquer this next psychotic examination like I did the last two - all in 4 days.  With any luck, I will have hours or even an extra day left over, to be devoted to a much-wanted successful networks project, and the other psychedelic example, which will be vanquished sometime on Monday.  I will need the next three days after that to usurp and encapsulate Artemenia and Etherealdawn in a 12-20 page report.  En garde, comrade!

And then after that, only a week left before I get to lose myself in your eyes.

♥SCRGL
Archer-mage
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