i wish..

i wish..

i wish i could touch you
to feel soulsparks and pleasure
rise up within me like a wave
the feel of your skin brushing against mine
savoring the taste of your lips
i wish i could stroke your cheek
or your eyebrows as you sleep
singing to you songs of dawn and sunsets
i wish i could lie in the dark with you
skin tingling as we kiss each other
passionately
feeling your strong body holding mine
as you let out a sigh
i wish i could comb your hair
strands of stories of fair june
gazing into your eyes like stars in the daylight
not worrying about what to do next
just being with you
and silently smile
i wish..

Dreams

Dreams

If I were a grasshopper,
I'd stroke your ears by the light of night
and sing fields of marshmallows
while the ocean waved.
The rainbow platypus glides along the snow,
piping up in dreams, withleaves of sun washing over clouds.
Cherry trees dance under the stars,
winking and whispering while
the grey-white fox, knowing no bounds,
flies past the shadows of thunder.
But we don't notice, like a fantastical scene
rolling by from the windows of a train.
Unnoticed, because something much more ethereal,
and alive, and sparklier, holds our attention.
Love.
Even if it's just a dream, we know,
outside of its dominating realm,
it is real.

Florida sun: Day 2

So this is the whamming October conference that I had so excitedly been waiting for, that I had gladly toiled through 6 hours of lab and endured an early test just so I could make it to here. Sitting around a table enjoying a gourmet 4-course meal and applauding all the award recipients who graciously sweep the stage and offer us "20 words of advice." At some point of the evening, my mind wanders, and I thought I would much rather be doing... and then it occurred to me that this is not where I belonged.  I would much rather be home.

Home is being in LWC413 every Thursday night, leading worship team and singing praise songs while playing my guitar until my fingers hurt.  I look at my watch, and it is ironically 8:45pm, around the time when we start packing up to go back to our dorms.  I would much rather be there, praising God and being with my IV sisters, whom I love dearly.

Home is making memories with my love, wherever we may be, lying in his arms and looking into each other's eyes and being amazed by each other and the circumstances that brought us together.

Home is with my parents at my house, chatting after dinner, the 3 of us united as a Family once more.

These are the three most important things in my life, in no order.

Don't get me wrong. I think this conference is a wonderful thing for women, a great way to figure out what you might want to do for your career, especially if you are one of the few undergraduates amongst all the other Ph.D. candidates in the room (Not to mention I get to meet employees from my list of top companies to work for, namely Google, Microsoft, and others). But that's the problem. I already figured out I probably wouldn't want to be a PhD. I don't think I could find something that specific that I can be passionate about and devote 7-8 of my life working on. I realized recently that I want to dig into different areas of CS, to try this and that, work on a few projects, and continually be challenged, learn new things, explore, and discover new areas that I can be passionate about. Why limit myself like that? I am too bouncy for this. I need to be fulfilled emotionally, logically, spiritually, and creatively. And I don't think that going for a PhD can provide me that kind of contentment in life.

Another issue. I was at the Amazon booth, and after telling them I was looking for internships, the representative just started asking me questions about hash maps, queues, and (java) interfaces, questions that I couldn't answer confidently even though I had listed "Data Structures" as a course I had taken. Not only did that make me feel utterly cruddy, incapable, and foolish, but after putting me through that, she realized that I was actually more interested in usability than programming. It made me feel better after talking to Cat and realizing that she had gone through the same uncomfortable questioning session. It took a while for me to realize that I felt uncomfortable not just because I couldn't answer those questions, but because what she was looking for wasn't someone I could be; it wasn't something that I could be genuine with her about. I don't want to be a person who memorizes terms and can explain them to impress others just so that I can land an offer. It was uncomfortable because at the moment, I was forced to be someone that I am not.

Right now, my life plans are scattered before me like newly-shoveled snow. It would be nice if I could work for Google, Microsoft, Yahoo!, or one of these big technology companies on web/graphic design or something related. It would be nice if I could get to do some more programming for personal projects with no expectations except my own. The career part, I'm not so worried about; it will come with time. But there are some things that I must do, passions that will not be forgotten. I want to be able to continue writing songs and poems. I want to continue playing guitar and piano, and to sing. Ideally, I would have a chair like the one I'm sitting in right now, an office swively chair that will allow me to prop my feet up, lean back, and pour out my heart in writing. I want to be able to explore and go places that mean something to me, whether it's going on a hike, or visiting England or Mauritius again. I want to come home every night to someone I love and someone I can kiss good night.

So...what does it all amount to? I realize that I don't want to be famous, I don't want to win some prestigious prize for something that I've done. I don't want this kind of recognition. Maybe I've been inside for too long, but this kind of atmosphere just stifles me and deadens a part of me. And quite honestly, I don't care who this year's uber scholarship recipients are. Good for them, but I would rather not spend Thursday night listening to their names and their accomplishments when I could be defining (not to mention living) my own version of success. No, I do not need them to be my role models. I have never really been inspired by the grand things that others have done (maybe with the exception of Princess Diana when I was 9), only by my community, my loved ones, life, and faith. I want to do something where I can not only make a small difference in the world, but impact and build community around me.

So I am multi-faceted and need to be engaged in many different ways. So I don't feel like getting a PhD anymore. It's okay, it's okay that I'm here, missing out on home. It only brings me closer to it knowing that my heart is leading me to where I want to be, and my soul is slowly blooming into what I was made for.

Numb

It turns out wanting something doesn't make it real.

Laundry detergent

They say that smell is the strongest trigger of memories. The tanktop that I washed at your house now smells like you, I discovered to my surprise as I got up to exercise this morning. I couldn't help it.

Electronic parade music floats through my white Brookstone headphones, reminiscent of all the feelings from this weekend: Amazement. Surprise. Love. Like my whole world is perfect and still, contained in a bubble of wonderdream, except it's very much real.

Grateful as MD lets me work on the computer today instead of filing. I get to unleash Wildstorm again, and feel.

My senses are flooded with you.

You are deserving of all the poems and songs in this world, of all the stars in the sky, all the white roses, and morning dew.

I wonder how much Babylon candle I would need to get to you.

So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Frou Frou - Let Go