Who am I?

I feel quite lost, like a little girl being pulled in two different directions in a forest, both paths independent of each other. I wanted to spend the summer at home (while still doing professional stuff) so that I could spend time with my family, catch up on life, and update them on how I was doing. I wanted them to know me and accept me, see what college and friends have molded me into. I was quite proud of it, if anything at all. It was like buying someone a nice sweater, hoping they will like it and that it will keep them sufficiently warm throughout winter.

All I've managed to do so far was stare at the dinner table, pretending to be interested in something that I can't even focus on. All that I hear are seeped through my soul, accepted by my cultural upbringing, but rejected or challenged by my logical, rational side, which understands the values of Chinese culture, but fights for the side of free-thinking, open-minded views. I so desperately want to have a normal conversation, one that is not ridden by criticism, hasty assumptions, the past, or faulty jokes. But in trying to prepare to say something, the atmosphere is broken by spikes and shards that render it impossible for me to zone in, which results in me building glass walls around myself. I answer dully. Scathingly would be too strong of a word. Sometimes, I laugh authentically, but not nearly enough.

My culture isn't the only area that I feel divided. This doesn't get brought up often, but my hearing is another where I don't feel like I belong anywhere. To the normal-hearing, I am hearing-impaired, but to the hearing-impaired and deaf, I am normal. Where does that place me? It's not a big deal now; I've grown up with it my whole life and I'm used to it. I consider myself normal-hearing, for the most part, but it doesn't really matter. However, I am considered to be so "white" in Chinese culture that it's not even funny, but to everyone else, I look like just another Asian face with an Asian upbringing and Asian parents who push you to your limits. What does that make me? Chinese-American? But I wasn't born here. I almost refuse to be Chinese-American. Nevertheless, I am not yet an American citizen (not until next month, anyway). I've tried to put it off. I liked being Chinese. What did that mean? I know I wanted to hold on to that piece of my history and culture, but how can I feel like I deserve the title when I am being told left and right that I have been so Americanized that I cannot possibly understand or appreciate the complexities and hardships of a traditional Chinese upbringing? Why should my ethnicity be determined by how I act and what I believe and not where I was born? I feel like an alien being American. In many ways, I'd rather be a Chinese person with an American upbringing, but still stay Chinese and not American. Is that even possible? It doesn't mean that I dislike Americans, but there should be nothing wrong with wanting to stick to my roots, no matter how different I act culturally. I feel like the Chinese-American title is thrust upon me as the only explanation for my values and beliefs. In that sense, I feel thrown back and forth between the two - not quite Chinese, but not quite American. I also don't want my chosen ethnicity to solely reflect the color of my skin. I sympathize with my American friends when they say Asian parents can be harsh on their kids. I envy them when their parents let them do whatever they like or support ideas and beliefs they hold. I am able to comfort an Asian friend whose parents are too tough on her, but at the same time, I cannot stand it when a proud Asian parent smugly brags about their accomplished child.

I don't feel deserving of being Chinese. I feel like my parents are always sighing that it's too bad I don't do this or think that in Chinese. I know they are proud of me and of what I have become, but I always feel that a part of them are always saying "it's just too bad..." And it's not that I don't want to become an American citizen. When I swear in that oath, I will feel as if I have abandoned my Chinese identity, that I am now a mix of ethnicities called "American," which isn't quite exactly what I want to be. I shouldn't have to feel that the two are mutually exclusive. My American friends will probably never understand this dilemma that I am going through, and my Asian friends and family will always have some of those characteristic beliefs of Asians. I am somewhere in between, not able to reconcile with myself. I suppose I will have the rest of my life to figure out what being Chinese-American, or I guess, more politically correct, what being just plain American means. It is easy for me to be married to an American, to live the American dream and think open-mindedly and be free in all that I do, but I know that every time I go home, I will be met with my cultural background, my roots, something that I am so proud of being, yet can never seem to quite rightfully own or live up to. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe home will remind me that I am human, what I am worth, what I am capable of being, what my potentials are. Maybe becoming an American citizen from an immigrant is all about finding the strengths of who I am, my original identity, and use that to create a whole new "me" that I never thought would be possible had I stayed in my home country. Perhaps, it's about using precisely that to set yourself apart from other Americans, and then collectively working together to create a better place to live, and to bring into this world something to live for. That's what I hope, and that's what I will strive for. As for one day saying that I am proud to be an American? Well, that might take a bit of work and more soul-searching to do, but who's waiting?